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Dear Coach Paul,
My girlfriend of 6 years is leaving me because she says I work too much and spend all my free time with my friends. I don't know what I should do because I feel bored with her, but I don't want to be alone, AND I still care about her.
- Anonymous |
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Dear Anonymous,
First you need to ask yourself: "Do I prefer mediocre but dependable
sex or some random stranger at a freeway rest stop?" Designate one
night a week where you go on a date with your girl and stick to it- in
her. If you can't do that, then it might be better to be alone until
you can find someone you feel more compatible with. Or are you really
just afraid of being alone because you have not really faced the fact
you are going to die alone?
YOU ARE GOING TO DIE ALONE.
Caring about
someone is different than being in love with someone. Dream with me:
the second she starts complaining, cover her mouth with a chloroform-soaked rag. Who's boring now, eh? But is this really who you wanted
to become? You need to dump off of a crane or climb a cliff to clear
your head and to find new problems for both of you to worry about.
You'll always care about her. Good luck.
Your HedCoach,
Paul
P.S. Perhaps what you need to do is develop your manhood- if you
can't act like a man, maybe you can look like one. For more
information on crane dumping, handsomeness and sports coaching, visit my
Hedly Handsomeness Ranch. |
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Dear Coach Bad Pioneer,
I've been having a real tough time trying to figure out whether or not to get a life coach. On the one hand, my entire life is fucked-up... but on the other, I hate asking for advice. I refuse to do it!
So, what do you think?
- Anonymous |
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Dear Anonymous,
I've been having a real tough time deciding whether
to reply to your request for life coaching coaching- on the one hand,
my
entire coaching philosophy is fucked-up... but on the other, I love
giving advice. I can't refuse not to refrain from it! Or
can I?
Hmm.
May I suggest a compromise? If you don't ask for my advice, I won't
give you any. After all, HedCoaching is not about giving
advice, it's about shining a spotlight on YOUR unique arsenal of
skills and personal strengths. I'm just not willing to share my
unique arsenal of skills and personal strengths with you anyway, and
besides, you'd almost definitely catch a
scorching case of VD. Did you read my blurb?
Returning to the point, I'm inviting you to begin an effective
coaching relationship, not to follow my advice. Whatever you decide
to prefer, I'm running kind of late to pick up my AZT prescription.
Your HedCoach,
The Bad Pioneer |
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Dear Coach ChickenHed,
I thought you would have some ideas for me. Ive been
asked to MC a ceremony in Maine in April, involving
the retirement of a professor whose been teaching for
over 30 years. I will be in the company of several
conservative academic types and the professor wants me
to do a fuckall with all of it- nuts to the wind
purple skirts menstrual blood face paint.... I thought
you'd have some ruminations on what the evening could
be like?
- Anonymous |
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Well Anonymous,
Eulogizing his greatness, produce a bejeweled chalice from behind the
podium and urinate into it in your most dignified manner.
Proclaim a toast and drink to his greatness. Heartily.
The professor should next fake a seizure or cardiac arrest.
Immediately tear off your break-away tuxedo to reveal a threadbare Slingshot.
(If you do not currently own one, see here)
Hurtle over the podium and intervening furniture and deploy your beslingshotted buttocks to render mouth-to-ass resuscitation, shouting "Breathe! Breathe!"
Your HedCoach,
ChickenHed Hive Mind |
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Dear Coach Raki,
Why is my penis so small?
- Anonymous |
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Dear Anonymous,
The better question may be, "Why is my penis so much bigger than that of any
other species of primate?" In a recent study I
conducted of orang, gorrilla, and chimpanzee penis size, coloring and
elasticity, the size and form of the external penis, or pars libera,
was documented for 15 specimens in each species of varying age. I
found that gorrillas, which dwarf humans in size, pack minute penises
relative to humans, no thicker or longer than a pencil. Other apes do
not reach even this size! In some African countries, saying that one
is 'hung like a gorilla' is considered a searing insult.
You probably feel better already. But
which is the largest penis in nature? In relative
terms, that honor belongs to ... ducks!
Flaccid duck penises curl up inside the avian cloaca. One prodigious
specimen of Argentine blue-bill duck sported an enchanting 17-inch member. Biologists believe that the admirable size of
duck penises may be an adaptive response to competitive evolutionary pressures from conspecifics in
this highly promiscuous species. Their long, thin, prehensile duck penises remove sperm from previous matings
in the manner of a bottlebrush.
To recap: you have a bigger penis than a gorrilla or, ironically, a macaque. The next time you feel self-conscious, go to the nearest zoo, whip "it" out and
taunt the (non-human) primates. But stay away from the duck pond at all costs!
Your HedCoach,
Raki Shangles
References
Anitel, S.(2006). The largest penis in the world. Sci Pry News.
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Dear Coach Erik,
My local psytrance community is overrun with wacko UFO HIPPY cultists that have harvested all the fun from local events. What can I do to smite my enemies?
- Anonymous |
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Dear Anonymous,
Old age and guile beat youth and a bad haircut. A can of peas nestled in the XLR8R at the right moment can be surprisingly effective. But before you destabilize their pandimensional portal and disperse the etheric hyperentities, you should first consider the possibility that your "psytrance community" was never supposed to be "fun" to begin with, unless you define "fun" as the extraterrestrial inauguration of a golden utopia of global peace, freedom and healing via campfires.
Your HedCoach,
Erik Francis |
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Dear Coach ChickenHed,
My co-worker, who is one of the few I like, offered me a
hotdog last week. A hotdog that he had brought from home and cooked
in the microwave for me. He placed it on my desk and then brought me
chips. At the time he brought the chips, I told him I could not eat
his hotdog.... this is because I felt that he was sharing his lunch
that he had brought for himself with me and I did not want to be
eating his food that he needed. I suspect due to his coldness that he
thinks I refused his hotdog because I am too good for microwave hot
dogs which I am certainly as hell not... in fact I would love one
right now. How do I go about repairing this relationship?
- Anonymous |
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Dear Anonymous,
First of all, by accepting any gift, you tacitly acknowledge that the
giver is better than you. Worse, the Tiv of Africa sometimes slip
human flesh into other people's food so that they can be magically
posessed. (Is your co-worker of that persuasion?) In order to restore
an amicable professional rapport, you must eat his hot dog, but
without allowing your generous co-worker to ritually possess you or
symbolically dominate you through his pork largesse. There is only
one solution- snatch his juiciest weiner from betwixt his hungry
lips. You'll know that the food is human-flesh free because why would
he try to possess himself? Better still, he will instantly realize
that you are a) not above microwaved pork, b) not below him in status,
and c) surprisingly dexterous, which is braggable.
Or, you could maybe like have a talk, and stuff.
Your HedCoach,
ChickenHed Hive Mind |
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Dear Coach Tatiana,
i'm in love with my best friend but i've never really had sex with a girl i say im bi and i really want to get sexual, but i'm insecure about really hooking up in bed with her because she really wants to with me..so what should i do!?
- Anonymous |
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Dear Anonymous,
1. Organize a charity bikini carwash with extra suds followed by a slumber party for two where you eat something non-sleepy (no pizza!) and then...
2. Drink a sugary caffeinated drink or three to increase blood flow
"down there" and...
3. Lay down in bed together as close as possible- but refraining from touching
(at first). Breathe in her fragrance, notice that your mouth has gone completely dry, and finally...
4. Let Nature do the rest! And when it does, you'd better know how to munch your way into a tight situation, so...
4a. Make a slow and lengthy journey to her clitoris. Discover
her clitoris as if by accident. Caress, kiss, and lick her inner thighs.
Gently lick the area where her vulva and inner thighs come together.
Slowly lick her pubic mound and outer labia. Take your time. Run your
tongue along the groove created by the meeting of her outer labia.
Slip your tongue between her inner and outer labia. If possible, draw
her inner labia into your mouth and suck on them; gently draw blood
into them. Lick the area between her inner labia; the area just
outside her vagina and the location of the urethral orifice. If her
clitoral body is well defined, run your tongue along the grooves that
separates it from her outer labia.
4b. When she is dripping wet and begging for more, very gently start
licking her clitoris. When she seems ready to explode slip her
clitoral hood back with your lubricated fingers, or she can use her
own, and lick and suck on her exquisitely sensitive clitoral glans. Be
very gentle. Gently suck on her clitoris; delicately draw more
blood into it. Spread the woman's outer labia to get at the
treasures within, using your hands, so you will need to bury your face
in her vulva, finding her clitoris and inner labia with your lips and
tongue.
4c. If a woman's legs are comfortably spread her vulva will
spread open naturally and her outer labia draw apart when she is
highly aroused. There are women who enjoy it when you insert your finger(s)
into her vagina and stimulate her vaginal walls while you suck on her clitoris.
4d. Some enjoy it when you insert your lubricated finger(s) into her anus and/or massage her anus while
performing cunnilingus. You can also include the use of dildos, vibrators, and butt plugs. A
woman may enjoy the feeling of being stretched open or filled while
being orally stimulated. A vibrator may make orgasm possible during
cunnilingus when it would otherwise be impossible. While the vibrator
alone may result in orgasm, the combination may be more pleasurable
and result in a stronger orgasm.
4e. If that doesn't work, try peeing on her.
Remember, Anonymous- You've gotta be good if you want to hit it
again :)
Your HedCoach,
Tatiana |
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Dear Coach ChickenHed,
So I want to be a coach myself but do I need one first so I can get my own shit together or is it not neccesary to practice what I preach?
- Anonymous |
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Dear Anonymous,
"I don't practice what I preach, because I'm not the kind of man I'm
preaching to."
- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
Your HedCoach,
ChickenHed Hive Mind |
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Dear Coach Raki,
According to Yode, who I have known since high school, you would be best to advise me where to meet an only slightly used wonderful lady to call my own who will respect my feelings and yet give great head. Oh, and who likes and respects caterpillars, drinks like a fish, and can bake a pie... I like pie.
- Anonymous |
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Dear Anonymous,
According to the latest research, the best places to meat chicks are work, mental health support groups or social engagements that bring together wide networks of friends. May I combine all three and suggest HedCoach Lisa Chopsticks?
Lisa may be reached at XXX-XXX-XXXX, if she isn't too busy drinking
like a fish or baking her sweet cherry pie (wink, wink). In my professional opinion, judging from her above-average facial symmetry
and low waist-to-hip ratio, which are both honest indicators of
fertility (See Singh,1993a,b), I'd speculate that she has been no more than slightly used.
Regards,
Coach Raki Shangles
References
Singh, D. (1993a). Adaptive significance of female physical
attractiveness: Role of the waist-to-hip ratio. Journal of
Personality and Social Psychology, 65, 293-307.
Singh, D. (1993b). Body shape and women's attractiveness. The
critical role of waist-to-hip ratio. Human Nature, 4, 297-321.
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