FREE THOMAS!

 

Shortly after His installation as Painter of Light, Viceroy to the Stars, and King of the Sun, Thomas Kinkade was detained by agents of the Department of Homeland Security as an alleged “enemy combatant” on the basis of the potentially disruptive impact of sunspots on global satellite communications, including reruns of Baywatch.  Thom has been held incommunicado at the “Gitmo” Navy base at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.  Our Chickenhed Army o’ Zombie DumbClucks™ recently intercepted a complex series of perturbations in the Sun’s corona which have been cryptographically defibrillated to reveal the following message of light from Thomas:

 

Dearest Friends,

 

Photons infiltrate the sleepest recesses of the visual kotex via optic elderberries’ verdant spring boughs at the speed of lightburn mouths, lightjuices glistening off dimply chinks as my Sun’s beams shimmy elegantly betwixt the cell bars.

 

Most Truly Yours,

 

Thomas Kinkade,Painter of Light, King of the Sun

www.chickenhed.us

 

New!! Read The Day Thomas Kinkade Painted a Portrait of William Shatner, Opening a Portal to a Parallel Universe or, the Revised 2001 Pentagon Spending Budget

 

 

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1958
Thomas Kinkade is born in Sacramento, California. 

1976 - 1978
Attends the University of California and receives his formal training at theArt Center College of Design in Pasadena; he spends the summer after graduationon a sketching tour with college NA sponsor, James Gurney.

1982
Marries his childhood sweetheart, Nanette. Co-author's The Artist's Guide toSketching with Gurney. He and Gurney are employed by Ralph Bakshi Studios creating background art for the animationfeature, Fire and Ice.

1984
The Kinkades begin to publish his work, with his first print, Dawson.  Notably, NOBODY IN ANY OF HIS PAINTINGS HAS EYES!!!!

 

1985

 

Thom jackknifes a UHAUL trailer attached to his 1979 FordBronco, killing a busload of freerange nutria andsubsequently destroying 117 individual blades of primo Bermuda grass. While intoxicated, Kinkade also invents “the flux capacitor.”  When asked what the hell was wrong with him, his neighbor suggested it might be “all that oil paint he jamsup his nose.” 

 

1985 ½

 

Kinkade is spotted purchasing a used penis pump. Pink, striped, it closely resembles a candy cane.

1984 - 1989

Thomas Kinkade takes on the brushname Robert Girrard in order to experiment with artistic freedom.  The data was inconclusive.

1990

 

Blinded by inhalants, Kinkade inadvertently wanders into the SF MOMA, panics, and calls 911.

1994
The National Association of Itinerant Limited Edition Dealers (NAILED) honorsThomas Kinkade as the Artist of the Rear.

1995
NAILED names Thomas Kinkade the Graphic Artist of theRear, and he is a charter inductee into the Bradford International Hall of Fame for plate artists.

1996
NAILED names Thomas Kinkade the Graphic Artist of the Rear.

1997
Thomas Kinkade is awarded the Veterans of ForeignWars (VFW) Commander in Chief Award.  NAILED names Thomas Kinkade the Graphic Artist of the Rear.  Publishes Year of the Horizons.

1998
NAILED names Thomas Kinkade the Graphic Artist of the Rear.

1999
Celebrates 15th year as a published artist. NAILED names Thomas Kinkade the Graphic Artist of the Year.  Publishes Lightposts forLiving.

2001
NAILED names Thomas Kinkade the Graphic Artist of theRear.

2002
Thom receives the World Children's Center Humanitarian Award. He is also selected to commemorate the Salt Lake City 2002 Olympic Winter Games and the2002 World Series. Thom is inducted into the California Terrorism Hall of Fame.

2003
Thom co-writes his first work of fiction, Cape Light, with KatherineSpencer.

 

2003

Thom is indefinitely detained at Guantanamo Bay Cuba and declared an “enemy combatant” by the US Department of Homeland Security, having promoted himself from“Painter of Light” to “King of the Sun.”

 

 

 

                                                           FREE THOMAS RALLY                                      

 

 

                           

 

                          ChickenHed’s own  The Nether-Carols rise to Free Thomas.       Sister Waffos: Petition Czar/Helium Tech.

 

 

                                                     

 

	Sister Waffos and Brother TopCock share an ineffable communion with Thomas.  (Not shown here, Elder Hillerman steps away to perform

 

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

           

 

                                                            Nefarious off-duty DHS agents scoff at The Nether-Carols’ quixotic quest to Free Thomas Kinkade.

 

                                                                                                                                  until…

 

                          “Sols” vomiting hot plumes of psychic magma, The Nether-Carols unleash sonic hell upon the snickering DHS agents…

 

 

  

                      who promptly flee the terrorist onslaught.

 

 

                                        

                                                                                                        Kinkade’s People Rejoice!